You know what they say...

... moms spend so much time taking care of their kids they rarely take care of themselves.

I've been extremely neglectful of myself since early last summer really. I've been dieting since I knew what the word meant - always having more than a few pounds to lose. I was heaviest on my wedding day - tipping the scales at 222 lbs. Thank goodness I haven't seen 200+ in more than 6 years now. But I need to get the baby weight off now! I did all I was supposed to for 2 weeks and the scale didn't budge. I hate that! Unfortunately the only diet I've ever done well on was the Optifast diet which is an all liquid, doctor supervised, very expensive diet. Seeing as I'm a stay at home mom now I can't afford to do Optifast again, but would love to.

But I use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever I want. I know how to diet and I know how to lose weight and what to eat. I'm not pregnant anymore so why can't I eat what I'm supposed to eat to lose weight? I don't have junk food in my house and I'm breastfeeding so the weight should be falling off - but I know my portion sizes are way off and I'm sure there are lots of hidden calories in what I'm eating/drinking (like the hot cocoa I just had). But I'm not exercising - unless wrangling the kids counts.

When pregnant with Daria I had insulin dependent gestational diabetes. My dad has type II diabetes. I never went back to have my post-pregnancy blood tests. I haven't used my glucometer since Daria was born - I'm almost scared to. I'm not losing weight and I'm not abnormally thirsty (all of which are common signs of type II - both of which were my dad's biggest symptoms) so I know I don't have it but I'm at a huge risk for it. I need to get my butt in gear!

Don't get me started on seeing my cardiologist. I'm so incredibly stupid when it comes to my Long QT Syndrome/defibrillator. I haven't seen mine since July (he left the practice and went to another) and my defibrillator is on recall status. I made an appointment for 2/6 and feel like a fool for not seeing him sooner. I'm actually in the most vulnerable period for LQTS (post partum) so I should know better!

Like I was after Arianna was born, I'm sure I'll get fed up soon - only this time I'll have to do all the hard work myself. No special diet to save my butt this time...

Food, Food, Glorious Food!

I'm giddy.

Today I'm back on food!

I wanted to be back on food for my trip to New Orleans next week and the doctor saw no reason why I couldn't switch to the moderate program this week.

The moderate program is all food - yes GLORIOUS food!

I'm allowed 1200 calories a day broken out into FDA (no, not USDA, which are unregulated and usually HUGE!) food servings: 5 starches, 2 fruits, 2 dairy, 3 vegetables, 5-6 meats/proteins, 3 fat.

So to fill that requirement today I'll be eating:

Breakfast

• 1/2 c. oatmeal w/ 2 Splenda packets
• 1/2 c. fat free cottage cheese w/ pineapple
• 12 oz. hot coffee w/ 2 tbs. half & half

Lunch

• 2 slices diet oatmeal bread
• 1 tbs. peanut butter
• 1 tbs. blackberry jam
• 1 25% less sugar quaker granola bar (cookies & cream - yum!)
• 1 mega peach (8 oz.)
• 12 oz. diet soda

Dinner

• 4 oz. fish
• 1.5 c. cooked broccolli
• 2/3 c. whole wheat pasta with spray butter and salt
• 8 oz. skim milk
• Ketchup (for fish and broccolli - can't eat with out it!)
  

Best part...

Dessert!!

• 1/2 fat free, sugar free chocolate pudding

I'm so happy to eat again! Ya!!

Total for the day is 1100 calories, so not too bad for day 1. I'm also going to get in 40 minutes of walking on what seems like the MOST HUMID DAY OF THE YEAR! So extra points for that!

I'm getting so close to my goal and to make it in such a short amount of time feels great!

Goals...

My goal is to finish the optifast program at the mark where my BMI reaches the 'healthy range'.

Its not my ultimate goal - my ultimate goal is 13 lbs. under that weight, but...

Yesterday I stepped on the scale and I have entered the 'goal decade' - I have stepped into the decade of pounds (10 lb increments) that put me at my healthy BMI - I have 10 lbs. to lose to be considered healthy - 5 lbs. after that is my ultimate goal to finish this program by, but I'd be happy with 10... I haven't seen this decade since before I got pregnant.

I was so excited I had to wake up the hubby to show him... go me!

Week 9

Ok, week 9 of OptiFast... and things are gong well. I'm averaging 3 lbs. a week so its going well. I'm really enjoying the progress!


Yesterday Arianna and I went to the Wrentham Outlets with my mother. I am in bad need of clothes (despite 'shopping' in my pre-pregnancy closet) and wanted to get some tops, at least. I got two totally cute tops at Gap and 3 great shirts at the Ann Taylor outlet (including the red tank above). Boy, I had fun, and thats rare when clothes shopping.

Now I have to find shoes....

Optifast Update

I'm very over due on my optifast update, so here goes.

I'm starting week 8. 2 months on optifast and it's going very well - I'm nearly at the 50% mark. Last week was a rough weigh in for me as I gained .3. I didn't know that was possible when eating only 800 calories a day... but I found out why. I have a problem, had it a long time. I have low blood pressure (88/54) which is exacerbated by this diet, but I can live with it and my doctors (including the physician running the program) have given me the a-ok. Low blood pressure can also be affected by change in nutrition, which this diet obviously has. I get dizzy standing up but have for ages so I wasn't too concerned about it, but the physician running the diet told me to add bullion to my diet - which I had for a week, at lunch. Just regular old bullion cubes in hot water. Bullion has alot of salt in it, which will help raise your blood pressure. Didn't work for me but did make me retain quite a bit of fluid - so no loss. This week I got 4.7 out of my efforts, and I didn't 'do' bullion.

My clothes are falling off. I really need to get some new clothes. I went to the cedar closet and got the big tub of my pre-pregnancy clothes and gasped as I tried to put them on. No, they didn't fit. What I gasped at was the sizes. How on gods green earth did I fit into size 4 shorts!! I started this diet at a size 14! I'd love to get back there but don't see it happening. I can't really afford to buy new clothes so I'm trying to make due with the 3 or 4 pairs of pants I have. When I was breastfeeding Arianna I was an H bra cup (yes... it was not fun). When I finished I was a DD/E cup and now I fit into a D. This means I can buy bras in regular stores instead of having to order them. I think I look thinner just because my bust isn't so huge and this makes me very happy.

As far as exercise... I don't get enough. I just don't have time. Arianna requires alot of our time and when I get home there is NO way I can do what I need to do for her and go to the gym. Add to that the fact that there is no gym close by and its not going to happen. We do alot of walking, instead.

I walk at work 4 days a week for 30 minutes. Its a brisk walk and more than half is at a pretty good incline. Some days I'm one of only a few people walking and other days you get hordes of people, walking en masse, down the street. Lately it's been just me and a few dedicated others. I have my mp3 player (no, not an Ipod that has been shown to mess with similar cardiac devices), so I sort of zone out and walk. I really enjoy my walks, it breaks up my day. You can hear me singing up the street!

Food wise its going ok. Just ok though. For this week, for instance I haven't had my fruit serving. On the weekends I typically forget a shake and I go over on my meat portions more often than not. But I try.

Although I'm enjoying the weight loss journey, I am looking forward to getting back on food again - October 1 can't come fast enough!

I've been less than perfect...

I don't think I ever explained how this Optifast diet works:

1. 3 shakes a day (all of which are nutritionally complete). I buy pre-made shakes in juice boxes for work, 2 per day. Then I buy shake powder and mix that in a blender with some Polar diet double fudge soda and ice (sometimes I'll add peppermint extract for chocolate mint) for the remaining shake.

2. 1 meal: 5 - 6 oz. of LEAN protein and 3 servings of vegetables (we have a list of which veggies we can have; peas, corn and butternut squash (all my favorites) are BIG no no's)

Thats it. After the first couple of days your body goes into ketosis and you stop feeling hugry.

So today starts diet week 4 and I haven't been great.

No, I haven't been cheating but I've been forgetting my shakes and skimping on my dinners - in other words I haven't been eating much at all. I add the stress of Arianna's illness, the fact that I go it late last week, and this god forsaken nanny search as the catalyst for my current downfall.

On the plus side much of my pants are too big and I know I've lost substancial weight. Due to the holiday there was no weigh in and I know that I'll have lost at least another 10 lbs. when I weight in - which makes me happy.

But being too exhausted to do anything or getting extremely dizzy when I stand up too fast are not good either. I honestly forget to eat - this was never a problem for me before. Whenever I got bored I'd eat... maybe this is a big change, for the better, for me?

I just have to remember to drink all of my shakes and not skimp on my veggies.

Optifast Week 2 results and Arianna update

I'm pissed. I was absolutely stellar this week, if anything I didn't eat enough!


I only hope that all the stress caused by the last few days is the reason why.

Arianna has done nothing but void food from her body violently for 2.5 days now. I think its slowing down as we were able to get food into her tonight and now she's asleep, having not thrown up or got a super messy diaper. I can see her ribs when she lies down. It makes me want to cry - reminds me when she was a few days old in the NICU and she had no fat on her body to even define where her nether regions were.

If she feels better tomorrow Daddy (who stays home with her tomorrow, I did today) will take her on a walk down the blackstone river bike path. Hopefully she's able to eat something by then. She's done well with her pedialyte today vs. yesterday, so thats good.

I just hope she starts to get some good days under her belt soon.

Guess I worried for nothing

Week 1 results:


Now to keep that ball rolling...


I knew I loved this diet for a reason!

Day 7

Ok, today marks Day 7 and my first weigh-in. I must admit, I'm apprehensive.

I did very well this week, didn't 'cheat' and was active for at least 30 minutes every day. Yet I'd expect most of my clothes to fit better.

I bought a pair of white capri pants that I wore to my parents yesterday (yes, I'm aware its before Memorial Day). They didn't really fit any better and actually I was extremely happy to get them off when we finally got home.

Am I asking too much? Last time I did this I lost 7 lbs. in my first week. I'd hope 7 pounds would make my clothes fit better, but maybe not. I hope I lose a minimum of 6, any less and I think I'd be disappointed. I hate being disappionted in my weigh loss efforts. I know my expectations are, in general, too high but seeing as I'm eating 800 - 900 calories a day and this is my first week I'd expect a large loss. I really hope I'm right. I want a big loss to set the stage for the rest of this program.

My first week went well, despite the raging hunger the first 2 days. I'm getting back into the swing of fasting and don't find myself searching for food much and if I do its not because I'm hungry. A small apple (I'm allowed one fruit a day) I find really fills me up!

I did have two big 'tests' over the weekend.

On Saturday we were invited to my husbands friends mother's birthday at a local restaurant (that I love) and there were 7 appetizers, which I ignored. Hot buttered rolls, also ignored despite that being the only itemed I craved this week. Death by chocolate cake (taken home), that was ignored too - although it may have caused a problem if I didn't sit Shawn in front of both pieces and demand he eat them. I probably would have gone through the trash for the boxes they were in. Yes, its that good. I had a small chicken breast, spinach (which I normally dislike, strongly), and broccoli - all plain. I enjoyed it and stuck to my diet!

Sunday was dinner at my parents. My dad can't help it - he loves food and wants people to enjoy food when they come to his house to eat. Despite my father's kind gestures I managed to avoid the extra 3 oz. on my steak and the baked potato he made for me. I made a large salad and brought my own dressing. I think I ate too many vegetables - I hope that won't count against me, especially the day before weigh in. I avoid the apple pie and even avoided licking the spoon after getting some ice cream for Arianna - talk about willpower!

Wish me luck!

Day 4

Today wasn't as good as yesterday and I'm sure it has to do with the fact that my neck is absolutely killing me. Picked up my new glasses today though - very cute looking, I love 'em!




If this guy doesn't scare you, well... I'd be surprised.

Good News: I purchased a pair of capris (size 14) at Kohl's two weeks ago (the ones I'm wearing in the picture from yesterday). They fit well when I bought them. I can now pull them off without unbuttoning them! Its only Day 4!!

I remember this 'muscle' problem from the last time that I did the diet. If I remember correctly being in ketosis takes certain proteins out of your muscles making your muscles feel sore or crampy. I woke up to cramps in my feet this morning and my neck is a mess.

Now, my neck, its always a mess. Two car accidents and a skydiving fall that wrecked my right shoulder have made it so that my neck and shoulder muscles are all in knots. Today, for instance, I can't turn my head. This makes driving very dangerous. I have a horrible headache because of my neck.

I've been seeing a chiropractor for 5 months and I don't feel I'm getting the results I expect. I think I need physical therapy now. Seeing as we're new to the area I don't know where any PT offices are, I need a primary care physician in this area so I can ask these types of questions.

I called a bunch. I have a lot of experience with doctors, unfortunately. I want/need a female PCP - its not even a question. Well 99% of them in this area are no accepting new patients... Great! But the last two I called were - Ya!! What's even better? They're both doctors of osteopathy! I'm very excited! I even got an appointment for Tuesday!

I'm keeping my orthopedic surgeon and cardiologist (they're both at the hospital), but I need PT and a new pulmonary doctor, at a minimum. A new dermatologist would be good too.

Hunger wise it wasn't bad. I found myself really searching for food about 2 PM, but its hard for me to tell if I was looking for food because I was hungry or bored. both tomorrow and Sunday we're going out to eat at lunch. I really hope I can keep up the good work with the diet!

Day 3

I'm not hungry! Woo HOO!! I honestly thought it would take longer than 3 days, but its fabulous to finally be here.

I find myself searching for food more out of habit than actual hunger. In a few days it will be second nature.

Also, I ended up telling my mom about me being back on the diet. I don't know why I didn't tell her in the first place.

Thursday nights Shawn and I have Financial Peace University so my parents watch Arianna and put her to bed in the crib they have there. After class we pick her up and take her home (usually about 9 PM). We typically have dinner at my moms house before going to class.

This morning when Shawn dropped Arianna off I had him tell her that I'd be working late and wouldn't make it for dinner. He said my mother was very disappinted. I called to explain about working late and she said she had ordered a cake and everything - the whole 9 yards. So I told her.

She's happy for me. Don't know why I was hiding it.

Here's a picture of me from this morning. I need a record of what I looked like when I started the diet. It will be fun to see how I look when its all done. I hope to post pictures as I go along too!

Day 2

Ok, today was worse, but not horribly so.

I only wanted to knaw on a pencil twice and it had more to do with the fact that I'm bored with my current project here at work.

My stomach hurts... I wonder if thats from the lack of food? It's actually painful to stretch my midsection. 3 PM can't come quick enough, thats when I get another 8 oz. shake.

This whole 'less than 1000 calories' a day thing is for the birds, today. At the end of the week I'll be loving it... hopefully.

I called my orthopedic surgeon today - to schedule an appointment. I have chronic compartment syndrome in both my legs (its a genetic thing I guess) and still need surgery on my left leg. I went for a walk at lunch, to get my mind off how hungry I was, and was limping by the time I got home... I need relief. So the appointment is on the 7th and I hope to have surgery by the end of June.

Day 1

Optifast - Day 1

Not going bad - its actually really good so far.

I'm not in ketosis yet so its not too bad. Tomorrow/Thursday and Friday are going to suck though.

All signed up

I drove into the city today to meet with the doctor about the Optifast Program. My appointment was at 9:30 and I made it in record time.

I felt very strange being there. The majority of people who sign up for this program are big. By big I mean morbidly obese and can't walk without assistance. In the waiting room were 3 such people... and me, who can walk just fine and still buy clothes in normal stores. I felt out of place and ashamed to be there.

But they brought me into the back and filled out paperwork anyway. I weigh much more than I thought I did, which would normally be a downer, but now I hoped to do something about it. The doctor finally met with me and we talked about what made me 'fall off the wagon'.

In truth it was because my world was thrown on its head - I became a mom. Not just a mom, but a mom to a preemie to boot. There's been a lot of stress and I've had a hard time dealing with it. I don't have much time for myself so making time to work out is limited and making time to really plan my food like I should is also limited.

He was very sympathetic and explained that I had nothing to be ashamed of and he was glad I made the decision to try again and he expects me to do as well as I did last time.

I lost almost 70 lbs. last time, this time I'd have to lose 30 to get back to where I finished this program last time, but I'd like to lose an additional 10 lbs.

At my babyshower last year one of my Dad's friends commented about how she didn't think I looked good at my lowest weight. I thought I looked great and I can't wait to get back there!

My first group session is Monday night which is when I'll by my product, so my first official day is Tuesday. Thats going to be a long/hard day, but the benefits are very much worth it.

On the way back to the office I called my mom. I was excited and was going to tell her about me joining the program again. We had done it together, I did extremely well, my mom didn't. It was 10:15 when I called and woke her up. I didn't tell her and when she called me back at 1 PM I didn't feel like telling her.

I guess I want to surprise them with my weight loss. So if any of you know my mom, don't tell her! :)

I did it

I signed up for the optifast diet again.

I'm so fed up with myself.

I'm so mad I've lost control again. I'm so mad I'm nearly 'obese', according to my BMI. I worked so hard before. I was finally where I wanted to be, I was finally able to shop in normal stores and was so happy about how I looked.

Now I'm fat again and can't control my eating. I can't control what I binge on and can't stop crying about it.

This is a vicious circle and I have to break it.

Our budget is going to take a hit as I have buy the shakes, but we'll save money in groceries...

Hopefully by the end of the summer I'll be svelt again and if/when I become pregnant again I will be so much smarter about my eating so I don't put on 50 lbs. (30 lbs. after baby, which I have yet to loose an ounce of).

I can do this.

I can go all day only having shakes. The first few days are torture, but I can do it! The weight will come off quickly and I'll be sure to pay more attention to the 'maintaining' part of the program this time.

My meeting with the doctor is 5/4. Lifestyle evaluation (which is always 'humbling') is 5/7 and my exercise evaluation is 5/8.

One meal a day, 3 oz. of protein and 2 veggies. I can do it. Yes, yes I can...

Sigh.

Insecurities

Fallibility... Insecurity... Imperfection... Shortcoming...

There are so many words to describe what I think and feel about my appearance. Its an inbred 'characteristic' of myself, a character flaw I suppose.

I am fat - grossly fat. My arms are fat, my boobs are gigantic (at an H cup, this is no lie, actually), my hips are too wide, my legs are flabby, and my most painful area - my tummy looks like I once weight 400 lbs. and the loose skin has just accumulated and hangs disgustingly.

If I saw this written somewhere I would brush it off as this person is obviously over-exaggerating and is only looking for others to say 'no your not'.

In reality this is what I feel each and every day - and no, I don't want to hear from others ' no you're not' - because I've heard it all before and it doesn't help me in any way.

Today is one of 'those' days.

Since I've stopped pumping I'm back into my size H nursing bra and waiting for them to shrink back down to a D cup - but the weather has gotten warmer, so I'm out of those bulky sweaters and into T-Shirts. I look horrible in T-shirts! I look so much heavier than I really am because my breasts are huge and its really starting to make me feel very depressed. I've wanted a breast reduction for so long - years and years. But my desire to breastfeed is bigger and even though Arianna never breastfed I felt my breasts had a special purpose and they did a great job feeding my baby - but now its getting warmer and I have a desire to be slimmer, even if its just slimmer looking. I don't know why some women pay to look like I do - you can't buy clothes in normal stores, or bras for that matter. Everything I wear makes me look like 'Two Ton Tilly' because I have never been a fan of more form fitting shirts (as I still have a tummy I would rather not show off). Add that to the neck/shoulders/back pain I've been having and I want them gone! But we want another child and I dream of having a normal breastfeeding relationship - plus, everything I've read about reductions says that YEARS after surgery is when it would be best to gage how lactation is affected by the surgery.

Add to that that I haven't been eating well, at all. My diet compeltely went out of the window when my mother-in-law came to visit. To the point that this morning, for instance, I made brownies to take to my friend Darius' house tonight and had two of them for breakfast... on top of the yogurt, english muffin and fruit I already had.

I have a problem and I need to get to the bottom of it. I need to find why I binge eat the way I do and why I have such a low view of my appearance (when I know its not horrid). Maybe I just need to buy better fitting clothes (which can be very hard and I don't want to spend that much time looking). I guess I just don't value my appearance like I should... Maybe I need to find something positive.

Maybe I need to go the gym...

Time to focus on me

I've been in a real funk the last month or so. Arianna and her 'issues' were getting overwhelming for a while. She still has a bad cold and we're still on house arrest - she goes no where (yet still manages to get sick!) and I need something new to focus on.

We've been focusing on finances for so long that I need a new motivator. So why not work on weight... *sarcasm* cause I've never concentrated on that before . *end sarcasm* In reality I haven't been as diligent as I should be. Since gong part time, in order to keep up with our debt reduction plan, we slashed all extras - including my personal trainer Andrew, who I had been working out with for almost 2 years (minus pregnancy). Since then I've put on five pounds and feel super frumpy. So I'm setting a new goal to lose 20 lbs. This of course, is nothing compared to the 70 lbs. I lost while on the optifast diet. But I'm not willing to let my weight get up 220 again, so that I can qualify for the diet (oh god, shoot me like a dead horse if I get anywhere near 200 again). Also, the fact that I spent almost $2k on it is not an option - so I'm going to have to do it myself, and there is no reason why I can't!

When I go back to work full time in April we will join the YMCA and I can get back to exercising at least 3 days a week but in the mean time I can watch what I eat - which has been seriously lacking lately.

I have really needed a new 'thing' to focus on, and its about time it was me for a change! I've started a new blog to help me stay motivated, you can read it here.

Wish me luck!