Insecurities

Fallibility... Insecurity... Imperfection... Shortcoming...

There are so many words to describe what I think and feel about my appearance. Its an inbred 'characteristic' of myself, a character flaw I suppose.

I am fat - grossly fat. My arms are fat, my boobs are gigantic (at an H cup, this is no lie, actually), my hips are too wide, my legs are flabby, and my most painful area - my tummy looks like I once weight 400 lbs. and the loose skin has just accumulated and hangs disgustingly.

If I saw this written somewhere I would brush it off as this person is obviously over-exaggerating and is only looking for others to say 'no your not'.

In reality this is what I feel each and every day - and no, I don't want to hear from others ' no you're not' - because I've heard it all before and it doesn't help me in any way.

Today is one of 'those' days.

Since I've stopped pumping I'm back into my size H nursing bra and waiting for them to shrink back down to a D cup - but the weather has gotten warmer, so I'm out of those bulky sweaters and into T-Shirts. I look horrible in T-shirts! I look so much heavier than I really am because my breasts are huge and its really starting to make me feel very depressed. I've wanted a breast reduction for so long - years and years. But my desire to breastfeed is bigger and even though Arianna never breastfed I felt my breasts had a special purpose and they did a great job feeding my baby - but now its getting warmer and I have a desire to be slimmer, even if its just slimmer looking. I don't know why some women pay to look like I do - you can't buy clothes in normal stores, or bras for that matter. Everything I wear makes me look like 'Two Ton Tilly' because I have never been a fan of more form fitting shirts (as I still have a tummy I would rather not show off). Add that to the neck/shoulders/back pain I've been having and I want them gone! But we want another child and I dream of having a normal breastfeeding relationship - plus, everything I've read about reductions says that YEARS after surgery is when it would be best to gage how lactation is affected by the surgery.

Add to that that I haven't been eating well, at all. My diet compeltely went out of the window when my mother-in-law came to visit. To the point that this morning, for instance, I made brownies to take to my friend Darius' house tonight and had two of them for breakfast... on top of the yogurt, english muffin and fruit I already had.

I have a problem and I need to get to the bottom of it. I need to find why I binge eat the way I do and why I have such a low view of my appearance (when I know its not horrid). Maybe I just need to buy better fitting clothes (which can be very hard and I don't want to spend that much time looking). I guess I just don't value my appearance like I should... Maybe I need to find something positive.

Maybe I need to go the gym...