The toughest job you'll ever love

Tonight I had the opportunity to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with my mother. It's a really fabulous movie and I can see why its up for so many awards. I enjoyed it thoroughly and cried earnestly on the ride home (even though its not a sad movie).

What struck me was the mood the movie left you with. At the end he summarized all the people he'd met in his life and the type of impact they had on him and how that impact shaped his life. It was really quite profound when you really thought of it.

I cried because I realized the type of impact I have on my girls - be that good or bad and how I want to experience all that with them... and I won't be able to, nor will I be the only one to impact their life. This made me sad, unjustifiably or not.

I cried hard on my ride home. I'm sure many of you know the story behind the movie but its about a man who ages reversely. He was born old and dies young - as a baby. I was quick to get home to see Daria because the scene in which the main character died was about the same age Daria is now. I so wanted to get home to see her smiling face and give her kisses. The thought of her leaving me had me in tears.

Then I thought that at some point in my childrens life I will be leaving them. Duh. We all die, I've known that since I was Arianna's age. But until you have children and someone who depends on you for everything I don't believe you understand the impact your life and death can have on people. I used to jump out of airplanes. I lived for the thrill of almost dying and then saving myself with a few strips of nylon over my head. It's really exhilerating. But that thrill quickly disapates when you realize the selfishness behind that risk - especially when someone else in this world is depending on you.

At some point in my girls life I will leave them and I can only hope that when that time comes I have prepared them for everything they need to be happy/healthy/productive women. Even then I'm incredibly sad at the thought of causing them pain or robbing them of my impact in their life. I know I can have a positive impact and I want to ensure that I'm here to give that to them and just the thought of dying and leaving them without a mother makes me cry. But when you come right down to it you really don't know when your time is up... and that uncertainty is hard to accept. I guess I never really thought about that until I had children of my own and now I'm sad/mad that I don't have complete control over that decision.

What a hefty responsibility, this parenting 'thing'! What an unbelievable weight to bear and one that you can't fully understand or appreciate until you have a child of your own. They aren't kidding when they say its the toughest job you'll ever love.