I'm sick...

In the head...

I've gone to bed semi-crying for a few weeks now... yes, daily. I have the same routine just before bed. I use the bathroom, step on the scale and then tiptoe into Arianna's room to see her sleeping. Then I weep a little (gosh, I'm even doing it now) and trod off to bed.

My little girl is growing up and I'm so sad to see my baby go away.

Every day for these past few weeks I've told Shawn (usually dozens of times during the day) "I want another baby...", to which he says no.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!

Why the heck would I want that?! Arianna's first year was a type of living hell that no first time parents should have to go through and I want to do it again?!!

Yes, I do - badly. So badly it makes me cry.

It scares me, I won't lie. My mother and I have had many conversations about this the last few days (she's been helping while I'm off my feet). What will happen next time? What if the next one is a preemie? (Ok, the waterworks start...). My mom ended up on hospital bed rest (and teetering on insanity she tells me) for MONTHS with my brother and he was still premature (34 weeks) and spent 2 weeks in the NICU.

A conversation with my OB, post delivery, revealed nothing helpful as to why Arianna came early. Was it my LEEP and cone biopsies 10 years ago? Was it bad family genetics (I'm a preemie)? Was it an infection? Was it devine intervention?

Whatever it was it can't happen again. I don't care if I have to be on bed rest for months - I don't want a sub 34 weeker! I'm so scared... yet I want another.

Part of me wants to regain what was lost to my first pregnancy. I never had the chance to even 'look pregnant'. I didn't get people offering seats on the bus or opening doors for the pregnant lady. Heck, the day I went into labor I was at the maternity store buying my first outfit! I missed out on all the complaining pregnant woman do... I missed out on bringing home a baby when I left the hospital. I missed out on a 'surprise' baby shower. I missed out on annoying doctor visits...

I want a normal experience, but I know no birth experience I ever have will be normal... so I'll settle for a fullterm (or close to) healthy baby. Is that too much to ask for?

I'd love to hear from Mom's of preemie's who have had children afterwards - what precautions were taken (or not taken) and any advice you have to give.

Hubby says we have to wait until February (at the earliest)... so I have a bit more crying to do.