Frustration!!!

I'm very frustrated with our finances right now.

I go back 'full time' next week and am tweaking the new budget to try and ensure that we can be debt free by the end of the year.

Current estimates, going back to our budget before I went part time, puts us debt free by March 2008. This is not good enough for me...

because I'm frustrated! I'm fed up with not having spending money! I'm fed up with owing other people and I'm fed up with no feeling like I have complete control over where my hard earned money goes. I'm tired of feeling financially hopeless.

Of course, if anyone looked at our finances they would marvel at how well we do and how fast we've paid off a lot of debt. Truth be told - its not fast enough! I wanted to be debt free in two years. Throw a premature baby and a new house into the mix and that figure changes, but I still want to be done by the end of the year.

So... Shawn and I sat down and determined what we wanted to do. I want a patio set for the yard and we want to go to Fresno in October to visit his mom. We need to throw an EXTRA $750/month at the debt we have left (our cars). I got back full time (and extra $1000 or so a month) and $700 of it goes to daycare. So that means we need to come up with $450. I don't know how we are going to do it - I really don't. I cancelled my monthly scarpbooking kit and Shawn has agreed to give up his CD money. We're giving up our 'savings' line item in the budget and we're going to finally try and finalize Shawn's life insurance (I can't get any) so I don't have to have $140 just 'sitting out there' every month.

Oh wait, I can sell my skydiving equipment. That would get us an easy $4k. Ya, sell my hopes and dreams to be debt free. Sell my favorite 'freedom' memories. Sell everything I worked so very hard for. Sell my pride and joy. Sell something I will probably never use again - and could buy another one of when/if I pick up the sport again. There, less emotional when I think of it that way.

I so want to be done with this debt reduction plan. I don't want to run up new debt because this feeling of owing people 'owns me'. I can't stand it. I'm a super planner in alot of ways and if one of us were to loose our jobs with our current debt load, we'd be really feeling it. Not to mention that we don't have much of savings right now ($1,000). After the debt is paid off we plan on saving up close to $25k for our 'emergency fund', but until the debt is paid off its serious pins and needles for me.

So, no joining the YMCA when I go back to work. Guess I better start running so I can do that at home - oh wait, can't do that, I've got exertional compartment syndrome in my legs and I need surgery on them. Oh ya, and that means 3 days of complete bedrest after the surgery... um, ya, and we've got a toddler on the verge of walking. That's gonna suck.

I'm so frustrated. Can we push the date out even further? Meaning the second child (which I wanted to plan on conceiving once we were finishing up our debt paying) would have to wait? This is so frustrating - I just want these evil car loans gone so I can go back to eating out once a week or so I can go to the store and buy something instead of just saying "oh thats so cute!" like I did today at the kids clothing store. I want to have a little freedom again. Can I have that now, as in back off the budget? Yes, but then I'm under a debtors 'thumb' and will have less savings of my own. If I can't learn to live within my means and pay off my debts how can I learn to save?

I bet everyone reading this is saying... "gee, I wish I had such problems". That's what the back of my mind is saying right now too... but I'm just so frustrated with our lack of progress. Yet in reality paying off $50k in 2 years is impressive by itself; add a premature infant (and thousands of dollars in medical bills) and a new house and its really impressive.

Maybe I should be proud of how far we've come and just plan a vacation?