One year and twelve minutes...

This morning I woke up at 7:15 AM to the sounds of baby babble over the intercom. Its a much nicer sound than baby screaming or crying. I laid in bed a few moments just listening... "mama mama mamamamammm baba baba dada grrr bloo bloo baba baba ba ba mama mama mama". Then I remembered that exactly one year prior she had a ventilator tube stuck down her throat and couldn't scream let alone make any 'baby sounds' as exactly one year and twelve minutes prior she had been evicted into the world, by me.

Its hard to not blame myself for her rough start. I had preterm labor, of unknown cause - so therefore the blame lays with me, my body. It obviously couldn't stand extended pregnancy or I did something to create an opportunity for preterm labor to start. Maybe if I noticed the signs earlier it could have been stopped. Maybe if I had not gone to BJs the Friday before and picked up two heavy cases of water... maybe if I hadn't volunteered at the cat show that weekend, maybe if I...

One year and three days ago (almost exactly) we were driving to the emergency department. I had volunteered at the cat show for Siamese Rescue that weekend. It was Saturday, the first day, and my mother had come to the show to see what new siamese items we had for sale and offered to take me to the Providence Place mall for lunch. I agreed and excused myself from the booth. We went to American Joe's bar and grille. While waiting for our food to arrive I had gone to the ladies room and noticed I had an unusual amount of clear, thick discharge. Passing it off as usual pregnancy 'goop' I went back to the table and mention to my mom about how pregnancy does such strange things to your body. After lunch my mother offered to take me to the maternity clothing store to buy an outfit for my shower in a few weeks - I accepted as I really hadn't purchased any maternity clothes yet. While at the store, trying on shirts, I was getting some bad back spasms - I thought I must have pulled a muscle in my back the night before picking up some cases of water. I picked out two nice shirts and my mother and I went back to her car. We were going back to my apartment so I could show her the baby's nursery we had finished just 3 days before. I sat in the car and complained to my mother about how much these back spasms were hurting, but if I sat real still they didn't hurt as much. We got back to my apartment and Shawn and I showed her the room - I sat in the glider rocker and complained about my back and that I was going to lie down. My mom left and I laid on the heating pad in the bedroom. Shawn came in and I told him that I didn't think these were back spasms anymore as my stomach was taking on wierd shapes with each 'spasm'. I knew this wasn't good but I didn't think it was actual labor. So I called the OB on call and she told me to go to the ER, and off we went. We got there and were ushered right in - it was nice to not have to wait. The nurse in the room couldn't find the baby on the monitors, or contractions. I was a little miffed at having to show her were to put the probes. I went into the bathroom to get a urine sample for them and an OB resident came in to give me my exam - 3 cm and 100% effaced she said. Huh?

Next thing I know I'm being wheeled up to labor and delivery and given a steroid shot and magnesium sulfate for the baby. Over the next 38 hours I would be in the trendelenburg position (feet over head), get an epidural (which would be topped off 3 times - the max), drink water (illegally), get one more steroid shot, get morphine, not sleep and wait, patiently for 'something' to happen. I saw a dozen nurses, my maternal medicine doctor and 3 of the OBs from my OB group. I don't recall talking to a neonatologist but Shawn recalls someone coming into the room to say that if she was born that night (Saturday) he would be taking care of her - nothing else from them, which I am still a bit upset about.

At one point, Sunday night, Shawn left to go home to sleep. At 5 AM the nurses called him back to the hospital as I was 10 cm. - I was so looped up at this point that I really don't recall much about her birth. I remember the contractions breaking through the epi and they concentrated on my hip, which was very painful. I also remember one nurse holding one leg, and Shawn holding the other - awkwardly, so much so I wanted to tell one of the nurses to hold my leg up for me. When she was born, in 3 pushes, after an episiotomy I just leaned back in exhaustion and the nurses and doctors had to tell me to look at her. I couldn't believe it was over. She didn't scream - which was very scary. They wisked her into the next room and we heard her cry, very quietly, in there. It would be almost 90 minutes until they would wheel me down (still on the bed) to the NICU to see her, I remember nothing about that 90 minutes other than the food they seemed to wheel in almost immediately after everyone left. I don't even remember any of them leaving the room - all I remember was being sewn up and then everyone was gone - leaving Shawn and I to wonder what happened to her. It was scary.

So needless to say, this year will start off better for her than last year (or any year in the future, for that matter) did.

Today my mother in law and I drove Arianna up to the Shoppes at Blackstone Valley in Millbury. We went to Stride Rite and got her a pair of sneaker and white sandles for the summer, then to Michaels so I could spend some money on some scrapbooking supplies, then to babies r us to get toys for Arianna, then to lunch at Round Robin (best burgers around!), then to Carter's for more clothes, then to Baby Gap to find jeans and jeans shorts, then finally wrapping up at Cold Stone creamery for some ice cream. Arianna suprised us both by eating an entire scoop of vanilla!

The day finished at Kidz Adventure Cuts where Arianna had her first haircut. Unfortunately this meant she finished her birthday in tears:



I think she's learned a valueable lesson though - even on your birthday, something will happen to make you cry. In order to appreciate the sunny days you need rain.

I hope that the rest of her life contains more sunny days than rain.