daylight breaking

Its been a wierd few days here. I'm obviously going through some 'stuff' that has me very confused. I don't know what is causing me to feel depressed and have lack of motivation to do... well everything, but I believe the 'fog' is lifting and things are starting to get better.

The weather certainly has alot to do with it.

Its finally getting brighter/warmer and driving with the windows down is great fun. Ever since I started skydiving I have a weird habit of having to hold my hand out the car window going 75 mph. Of course, this is no where near free fall speed (which is closer to 120 mph), but its a feeling my hands/arms really miss.

As a matter of fact, it was this feeling of flight that gave me a huge emotional boost about a week ago. I have been planning on selling my skydiving gear. The $4k I could get for it would close to pay-off Shawn's car - ensuring we could be debt free this year. But driving to work one day, hand in the breeze, I was transported back to the weekend I got pregnant. I was at skydive Long Island with some of my friends and we were having fun jumping off the back of a tailgate at 14k and playing in the sky. Jumping off a tailgate is perhaps my favorite freefall feeling, all you do is jump up for a second, the plane continues to move forward and you slip away, out the door. Its amazing. I love tailgates. Anyway, remember this feeling reminded me that I may jump again, so I'm not going to sell my stuff.

The decision to jump again is not coming lightly for me. Its no lie that skydiving is dangerous - you can die if you can't get a parachute fully inflated over your head that stays that way until you land. You can die if something happens between getting on the plane and getting back to the ground - from a plane crash to a parachute malfunction, to a landing accident, to a mid-air free fall collision. I knew that going into it. I also have Long QT Syndrome and due to that have no been able to get life insurance. I will not skydive without life insurance that will provide monetary help to my children/husband if I die. Its selfish not to. But, we have a new financial adviser and he's trying to find me insurance - so until I get an answer from him, I won't sell my stuff. There is still a small glimmer of hope that I will experience free fall and all its glory again.

Just thinking of skydiving again lifts my spirits - it makes me happy.

Arianna make me smile.

She's so close to walking. She pushes a walker around the living room, pulls herself up, almost effortlessly and walks holding just one hand. I hope she'll be walking in a month or so.

Sunday night I had her in stitches. She was kneeling on my lap and smacking my chin. I would throw my head back and say "AH!" like she had incredible strength and then bring it back for her to smack again - she was laughing like there was no tomorrow. Who would have thought someone could do something so simple to elicit such joy from another? She makes me happy.

My husband makes me happy.

Shawn is so patient with me and my mood swings. He is so understanding and thoughtful. I really lucked out with him. Lots of people say that many women look for men like their father when they date/marry. Shawn is nothing like my father - which is such a good thing. I couldn't live with someone who was just like me (*wink*).

We spent the weekend doing some cleaning around the house. It's been sorely lacking due to my completely un-motivation to do anything and Shawn's blindness to filth - he really doesn't think the house is dirty, despite the laundry pile starting to take on a life form I don't quite recognize (it strangely reminds me of the trash heap in fraggle rock though).

We also took rides around to different nursery's in our attempt to find affordable (aka. cheap) mulch and shrubs for the yard.

Saturday I drove down to Warwick to the rubber stamp and scrapbooking expo. It was so nice to buy new scrapbooking supplies, especially since so much of my stuff was destroyed in the basement flood (which insurance finally told us they won't cover... of course). I spent about 3 hours there. From there I went to Kohl's to buy clothes, which wasn't the horrible experience I thought it would be. I bought 2 pairs of capri's, one jean, one black; 2 shirts, one sleeveless, one short sleeved; two pairs of sandals, one black, one brown; a bra which I really needed, a cute headband and some sunglasses. It was great fun.

To top it all off, as I was walking back to my car my skydiving friend Jeff, aka. fish, flagged me down. We must have talked for a good 20 min. It was so great to catch up with him. I hope we can chat again soon, for that cup of coffee he promised. I hope, even more so, that I can make it down to Danielson, CT to do a couple of jumps with him!

Arianna finished up antibiotics for ANOTHER double ear infection last Thursday and we're watching for additional signs that she may need more. Last night she was very fussy and she didn't eat anything at daycare (but drank all her bottles, which she would never do with an ear infection). She isn't running a fever, even though I thought she was (our thermometer said 97.5... don't know if I believe it) but this morning she was drolling up a storm. Maybe our almost 14 month old is finally getting her first tooth? Hopefully its a tooth and not another ear infection, I don't want to reschedule the ENT again.