It's not a big deal...

Arianna being labeled as 'failure to thrive' is not as big a thing as it seems. If anything it opens up doors that were previously a little bit harder to open - for instance we're getting a geneticst, finally. Her cardiologist, my cardiologist and her pediatrician were unable to get results regarding getting her and I gene tested for Long QT Syndrome. Knowing which genes I have will allow us to see if Arianna has the same gene and allow us to base treatment on the gene type - pretty cool. Its good to know for sure.

Hopefully we'll get nutritional services too. I'm pretty sure, through some of my research, I know what to do to increase her calorie intake. We're going to add Pediasure too.

But the problem is not her eating. The problem is her being sick all the time. We can't stop her from catching germs, but we can limit her exposure. So we're hiring a nanny. We're interviewing 4 girls (3 of which, oddly enough, are named Jessica) next week. I have a feeling after a few months she'll put on alot of weight and be back to 'normal'. When we took her out of daycare in January, for 10 weeks, she put on 4 pounds! She'll lose this label quickly.

After paying $1600/month for a nanny 4 days a week I will be working for $200/week. Doesn't seem like much huh?

Truth be told, I don't want to stay home. At one time I did. But I find I get bored very easily with Arianna. This winter was tough because we couldn't leave the house. When she was home I was home and there isn't much to do at home. I enjoy working. I don't qualify for life insurance and my work offers life insurance. I carry the health benefits. Shawn would have to get a new job that pays what he makes now (he works as a contractor so he automatically makes more than someone else in his exact position) AND offers good benefits. He's interviewing but the chances of him finding something is slim. I also work as a computer programmer which is an ever changing field - I need to work in order to stay on top of things or be completely 'schooled' out of the field if/when I returned. Due to these reasons, I want/need to work.

Last night my father, in his usual drunken stupor, called my house expressing his grief over her failure to thrive diagnosis. The conversation was completely one sided - he just wanted to hear himself spout words of drunken wisdom. Prior to my hanging up on him he exclamed his dismay in our "extravagent lifestyle" because we can't afford for me to stay home and my husbands "no good job" and how my mother stayed home with my brother and I and we "turned out fine" We, of course, weren't 28 week preemies in daycare, like Arianna. Eventually he blurted out what he wanted which is that we are horrible parents because we don't do enough to keep her healthy and how he'd do a much better job because he " loves that girl more than anything".

Oh, really? Why is it then that you didn't so much as see your granddaughter until she was 6 months old? Why is it, that during a time in her life when she might have died, you did not so much as make a telephone call was made to see how she was doing? All of a sudden you "love that girl more than anything"?

Part of me wonders why I continue to do this. Continue to let them so far into my life that they can hurt me like this. I am a grown woman and need to have my own life and don't need their drama.

What's even better is that because he was drunk he won't remember the details of the conversation. I talked to my mother this morning and she said my dad was still very upset. Upset?? What does he have to be upset about? I left a message on his machine demanding an apology but I know I won't get one.

I think I should plan on getting a nanny for 5 days though because they're too unpredictable to rely on. One minute everything is ok, the next its drama city. You'd think I'd learn, I grew up with this crap.